timetoknowbe

I love kids who grin from ear to ear when you catch their attention and smile at them. Especially when they start acting bashful about it.


I wish I could explain myself better.
And I wish I could be strong enough to accept that no one is going to understand.
I think even people who give me credit for being unusually intelligent still make the mistake of assuming that I'm somehow immune to things that bother them--which seems possible only out of ignorance or stupidity.
That, because I don't give up on certain concepts, I must not fully comprehend them.
That, because I care about everything, I must not care terribly much.
That, because I act like a masochist, I must not know what pain (of any kind) really is.



It feels weird saying I identify more with Anne Moody than anyone else.

Spent way too much money today.




Bought an alcoholic drink for the first time! I mean I've bought bottles of wine before but this was like. Y'know. A drink. We ate at O'Charley's and I got the Raspberry Limoncello Martini. Pretty good.





I have to get up extremely early and try to look decent. Siiiiigh.

Chris: Speaking of inappropriate, I'm watching some bondage porn, and the girl sounds just like you. Voice and accent.


And laugh, apparently. (Lexi Belle.)
I have no idea how to respond to that.

I've basically decided Will Wright is the greatest person to ever exist. Downloaded three EA iPhone games.
SimCity on the iPhone is amazing. It isn't the FULL version of SimCity 3000, but until I really sat down and played it for hours straight, I didn't notice what was missing (interactions with neighboring cities is probably the most significant, along with no options for editing terrain once you're playing a city). It has all the important stuff, the controls are perfect, and it has the awesome jazz I always loved as a kid. LOVE it.
I got The Sims 3 for iPhone too, which has surprisingly good graphics but isn't as addictive as SimCity. Might turn out to be alright if I can stay away from the other games long enough to really play.

Spore Origins for the iPhone is my favorite of the three. Was playin at Greg's while he was doing arena with some scrub and I heard him at one point just say "Ignore the girl screaming in the background." The whole "control it by tilting" thing for some reason makes it much harder for me to NOT mumble (and yelp) while playing. The coral reef level was horrible. Just lots of me yelling "godDAMN IT NO NO fuck what IS that fuckfuck no GODDAMN IT." BUT addictive as fuck in general. I love it.


I finally got my wireless working (no thanks to Greg) and now Airport has just given up. The router works, my iPhone is using the wireless, but my laptop has simply given up, and I'm too lazy to restart my computer (I absolutely can't turn Airport on right now, it isn't even an option, just says it isn't configured, which is bizarre).


MIGHT go shopping tomorrow in Lexington. I should probably have clothes next to where I'm sleeping and my hair fixed before I go to bed or it just won't happen.

This insurance drama is just never-ending. Seriously.

"BUT ARE YOU GOING TO BE A FULL TIME STUDENT THIS QUARTER OMGOMG WHAT IF THEY CHECK"
Because the insurance company cares enough to check every student dependent. And because .. it's so easy to get information on a student without their permission. And legal. Uh?




Lucky as fuck otherwise. Wish I could kidnap the boy and take him back to Savannah with me. Could definitely get used to being around him that much. It would also be pretty nice to cook for him with my kitchen stuff (where I--gasp--have actual serving pieces and MEASURING THINGS) and within walking distance of a 24/7 grocery store. Gonna hafta make him take me along the next time he goes grocery shopping so I can get some vegetables (and fruit or fruit juice or fruit ANYTHING) in his house.

Playing house.

Invitin Greg & Jeremy over later for cookies and hot cocoa while we decorate the Christmas tree (and Mom will probably play obnoxious Christmas music).

It's weird trying to organize/decorate my room with all my furniture in Savannah. Nothin on my walls. Blah.
I need to sit down tonight and make a list of leftover things I need to handle (people to e-mail, classes to sign up for, etc).



Gonna try and get everything unpacked and get settled in so I can just focus 100% on games while I'm home (between social stuff and raiding, I guess). I think I could spend a week just sorting through all the IGDA stuff online. I really need to get the most out of my GameFly account while I have time, and I intend on getting some practice writing up reviews for games just so I can get used to analyzin 'em. I really need to send GH5 back; I don't even have my guitar controller here. Blah. And I guess I'll save the DDR titles in my queue for when I'm back in Savannah since that's the kind of game that will fit into a school schedule better.


Any suggestions for some games I have to have right now? Wii and Gamecube titles only. (And WiiWare, although I never finished the first Lost Winds and I really want to try the new one.)

I figured I'd try to get the new Mario ASAP since I actually have friends to play with here.

I'm resisting the urge to post anything cryptic. Except I'm not, actually, since I said that.



Seriously, I keep thinkin' about how I would've reacted if you'd told me years ago that I'd end up at a school like SCAD studying video game design, this focused and determined, and that I'd be waking up next to this boy of all people. It's perfectly surreal.


Thanksgiving was great. I'm glad Dad got to come in, and it was nice seein' all the Salisbury kids again, and Liv, and actually havin' the boy show up for awhile even though that had to be pretty intimidating.



Gonna work on a UI for my tanks in-guild, inspired by how clean the Dragon Age UI is, focusing on keeping as much Blizzard art as possible, while still getting solid information display in there. I have a pretty good bottle of merlot to finish off, family around to spend time with, and some pretty fun stuff to work on. Hope this awesome luck doesn't come at a price.

Glambert, you're a terrible influence on me.



rachel: i still think its unfair that you totally talked about things like that until i admitted i actually found the topic interesting, and then you got shy.
Jeremy: Heh, is that so?
rachel: mhm
Jeremy: Does that disappoint you?


Jeremy: And you're amused by this debauchery? Awful!
rachel: definitely has my attention.
Jeremy: Minx
rachel: hahaha
Jeremy: I'm much too wholesome to be subjected to you.

I didn't think this through.


Almost everyone close to me is going to be mad and "disappointed" and they don't understand that that's the exact reason I can't do this. I'm completely content with how this quarter turned out, even if I don't pass Schuler's class. I need that to be enough for everybody else.

Last night Mom backed me up when I had to lay down for a bit. Jennie was starting to nag about how I needed to finish my work first. Mom explained that my meds make me sleepy, which is partially true, but I wasn't sleepy because of my meds. I was sleepy because I hadn't taken my meds. Both make me sleepy in different ways. The meds slow my mind down and knock me out. Without the meds, my body just gets exhausted and doesn't have the energy to do anything. The only middle ground is anxiety so bad that I can't even pretend to function.



This isn't coherent.
I have too much company to cry right now.
I'll be at Disney World tomorrow.

Procrastination can actually teach some useful things. If I ever do a project during my career, and need to realistically understand what we can cut away to save money/time/etc, while still keeping the essence of the project? I'm a PRO. I am absolutely great at figuring out what isn't absolutely necessary and what HAS to be done to get through something. "100+ pages of reading, worth 5% of my grade? ... Skip it, go back to working on my assignment."

What I mean by that is, in the last second rush, not knowing whether or not I'm going to pass a class, I suddenly become decent+ at math and problem-solving. I have my syllabi scattered around me, checking to see which class I need to focus on more (which is Art History).




In other news, I got back my grades for my drawings for the quarter. There's one I haven't turned in, that was worth 5% of my grade. I'm going to lose 5% for not doing hardly any of the research. Beyond that? All my scores are 95+. I'm actually surprised by my grades. So far, of what she's posted of my drawing projects, I'm seeing:

92
95
-
94
96
96
98

The first three are worth 5% each, the rest are 10%. I have an assignment due today worth 10%, and the one due Friday is worth 20% (the final project). My test scores have all been mid 90s. I should have an acceptable grade in this class.

I'm actually really shocked that some of those scores are as high as they are. I think that 98 was my egg drawing, which was decent but I wasn't that happy with it. I don't think she grades very easily. Most assignments have a class average of the mid to low 80s, and I've seen the work: that is the level most students are at. In general, she isn't easy on grading, but she gives us several opportunities to adjust our work to get the best grade possible.

My biggest problem in school has always been that I care more about the quality of my work, than how much of it I get done. Honestly, I'm more comfortable failing a class with a teacher who knows I fully understand the content, than scraping by with a C and having a teacher think I'm just .. not quite there. I don't know why. It's impractical and illogical. Pride is just a major issue for me when it comes to school work. It almost made me fail senior English because I was afraid of turning in a portfolio, because it wasn't good enough (I got a Distinguished, and I still think it wasn't good enough).
Honestly, I think I ended up like this after depression started kicking my ass. Once you realize that, at any given time, your body and mind could decide to fuck you over completely and make it all but impossible for you to get anything done you start to focus more on what you're actually getting out of the education since, in the long-run, that's what will matter most if you ever get (relatively) full control over your body. And so, here I am.



Priorities for the morning: KNOW THE FUCK out of this art history test. I have to get a good grade. I need to get 100%. This isn't realistic. I have to try anyway. Beyond that, work on my papers. Get any amount done for any number of points I can get. Anything will help at this point. Total, the papers are worth 20% of my grade. 20% is from class participation, which I should get a lot of credit for. If I can get enough points in the papers part of my grade to even out the points I lost on the first test, and to fill out the points I lost in class participation, I'll be at a B, which I can definitely live with.

What I’m getting at is this: my lack of surprise at this Stupak shit proceeds from irrefutable evidence that state ownership of women is among the most beloved of our violent culture’s violent traditions. People appear to believe that God made patriarchy in his own image, and that he will withdraw his complimentary concierge services and cancel Christmas, NASCAR, and life everlasting if the state stops oppressing women for even one second.

I was too lazy to add this to the last post.

http://blog.iblamethepatriarchy.com/2009/11/15/same-stupak-different-day/

“The use of K-Y® Brand personal lubricants is a personal preference, much like the use of champagne, chocolate, candles, soft music, and perfume.”

Well, count me out, K-Y; spinster aunts are strictly beer, weed, and prog-rock. And dude-free.

http://blog.iblamethepatriarchy.com/2009/11/14/lubewatch-09/

My mind is racing and my heart is pounding.
Something just clicked.

I don't even have the patience to explain.

"Though we like to think otherwise, dev teams are a very homogenous group of people in many ways; we weren’t the best in school, but we were pretty good, and we weren’t social leaders, but we managed to get along with others. Within teams like that, talking about morality and important choices is not the norm."

"The fact that a big part of our life has been spent in educating ourselves in technology, and playing games doesn’t help much either. As a rule of thumb, if you are talking about morality, outside a fantasy of sci-fi universe or mainstream movies, game developers will start to feel uneasy around you."

http://gamedesignideas.com/game-story-characters/morality-in-games-the-developers-side-of-the-story.html


I want a voice in this community.

Over winter break, I want to get into games more seriously. Start really using my GameFly subscription, start posting full reviews of all the games I play, start seeking out more free games online, and start following more blogs.

Following the advice of Brenda and Loren, I'm trying out Facebook games. I just need to figure out how to blend these into my schedule. I'm the type who wants to sit down and play a game for hours straight. You can't do that with these. After half an hour, you're done for the day, and without annoying the fuck out of your friends, there's not much else you can do. Awesome for people with lives. Unfortunately, I get bored too quickly for that, but I don't have the patience for games with lots of grinding. Sigh.

I've only really played Pet Society (I'd heard Brenda mention it while critiquing a student's game in class, saying that Pet Society focuses entirely on expression and customization, which is definitely my thing) and Roller Coaster Kingdom (which is like a slower, less fun version of Roller Coaster Tycoon--I can't find any quality simulators on here).

Random conferencey type things:
http://arthistoryofgames.com/
http://interaction.ixda.org/
http://globalgamejam.org/jam
http://www2.scad.edu/events/gdx/2009/index.cfm (This year's, just because there obviously isn't info out yet for the 2010 one)

And I need to look into the IGDA membership stuff.

Anyone have the link for the recent blog post talking about how when PUMAs suggested a boycott of the DNC, it was the end of the world, but now that gay rights activists are suggesting it, it's suddenly acceptable and peachy keen?




In other news, I've ended up in a guild with Regenesis from Fusion. Like, someone I was in Fusion with. At the same time. Is in this shitty little guild Mayhem on Hyjal. How random is that?

**

"I also know that violence in men is a trait specifically created by the patriarchy to continue the patriarchy, and not an inherent masculine trait.


Think about that for a minute. Feminists, by acknowledging that, give men more credit than they give themselves. We allow for the idea that they can be better men and better humans than they are allowed to be now. But we're the man haters. Go figure."

**

"How about this, we make all abortions illegal except for rape and health of the mother if all non-custodial parents who are even a week late with a child support payment get shipped off to work camps where their earnings are sent straight to the children they neglected.

What? Is the idea of forced labor of mostly men types in order to make them care for their children too much for you? Do you think it's a violation of their civil rights?

How is my proposal any different from forcing women to be incubators?

It even passes the forced-birther personal responsibility test, though in this case it's more pants up than legs closed.

Think of it this way, 70 percent of noncustodial parents would now be working on chain gangs, maybe more, but all the baybeezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz that would be saved would also have a guaranteed income.

What? Still squeamish about controlling a man's body because he was stupid enough to have sex?

Then STFU about controlling women's bodies you sanctimonious fuckwads."

**


"Someone in the comments to the linked post argues that the case of charging women higher premiums in health insurance is no different from the case of charging young men more for car insurance. It is, though, because young men can be taught to drive more carefully. Smokers can be helped to quit. But there is no twelve-step program for my ovaries to stop doing what they do."

**
"Word to the wise, girls: if a guy calls you a filthy cunt or a whiny bitch, if he says Hillary Clinton is a hag from hell, if he calls her supporters the dry pussy brigade, if he talks about punish-raping the rebels, this guy is not a feminist. Which means that he doesn’t really give a shit about women’s rights. Which means that his commitment to your reproductive freedom is about as firm as a tomato seed. Which means he will sell you out. In a god. damn. heartbeat."

2 pairs of jeans + 1 shirt from Charlotte Russe (+ 1 necklace + 2 rings)
3 bras + 5 undies from aerie
3 necklaces from Claire's


I'm officially living on tuna the rest of the quarter.





Oh, and a guy fucking winked at me. Like, seriously. Since when do people do that?

 7:43:22 PM Rachel DeLong: It was the "women have it so great these days, you women need to stop complaining!" conversation.

7:43:30 PM Adrian: ahh

7:43:44 PM Rachel DeLong: With an extra helping of young male condescension. 

7:44:04 PM Adrian: make me a sammich

7:44:08 PM Rachel DeLong: :P

7:47:09 PM Rachel DeLong: This is seriously the main reason I don't want to go into game design, and the biggest reason I feel like I should.

7:51:04 PM Adrian: because I want a sammich?

7:52:20 PM Rachel DeLong: Yes.

7:52:23 PM Rachel DeLong: It's a very serious issue.

7:52:29 PM Adrian: well tough

7:52:32 PM Adrian: deal with it

7:52:36 PM Rachel DeLong: I can't justify NOT dedicating my life to making you a sandwich.

7:53:06 PM Rachel DeLong: And I think I just accidentally summarized the way most men think women feel about marriage.

7:53:33 PM Adrian: haha